What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.