I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
A double negative is a big no-no.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go