[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
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I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
The 6 types of sex
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.