Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
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psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
This is a bad sign
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.