[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
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[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I’d … I’d rather not.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to