According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
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dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander