Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
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My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I鈥檓 way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i鈥檓 sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I鈥檝e been berry naughty!
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 馃槈
doctor: hahahaha 馃檪
me: i’ll be here all week haha 馃檪
doctor: haha give or take
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument