Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
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My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.