Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
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wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin