My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
This makes total sense…
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Every BBC series about the universe.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?