[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
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[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.