People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
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BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Breaking news:
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident