*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
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God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
How funny!
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
it was love at first sight
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence