*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
You Might Also Like
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.