an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
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The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut