“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
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My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
seems fine
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you