[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
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The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Carpe DM
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
and now we wait
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Actually cracking up @ this
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…