(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
the clam before the storm
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
They’re really bad with fonts.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.