Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
my dad when a sex scene comes on
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!