Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
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LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
LOL!
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.