‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
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Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.