Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
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A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…