I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
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Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Me driving through Toronto
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig