parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
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changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.