I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
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Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
He wanted to make sure😂
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?