My spirit animal is fried chicken
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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Mhm.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
How to wake up a Beagle
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
58.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks