Every damn time
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took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.