Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.