January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
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one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I love wikipedia
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…