my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.