Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
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Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I am, perchance