According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
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Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Florida be like…
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Always a housemaid, never a house.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.