If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
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Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?