this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
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“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?