[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Cat is stressing him out.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
peep davidson
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.