Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
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Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
The devil.