*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
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Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted