My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
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[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman