you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
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“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks