I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
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{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you