[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
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Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur