Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
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I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
There is no try. There is only give up.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Where is your GOD now????
This cat wants you to take your pills
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”