“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.