Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
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Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I believe the plural is “milves.”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.