I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael