*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
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We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.