has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
You Might Also Like
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.