[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
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If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.