Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
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Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”