Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
You Might Also Like
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
They also CAN sing✌️
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Coffee is ready.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time